Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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