I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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