Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
