I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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