i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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