I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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