All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize