if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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