Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Operation Purity has been aborted
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
