then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
