never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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