I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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