Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
