Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
