then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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