Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
