Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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