my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Terrible idea I love it
He shit in the fireplace
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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