So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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