Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
