when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
