Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
