But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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