the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
