I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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