he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i will never coherently bang her
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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