I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
