he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
