Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
