I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
