I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize