Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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