I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
