A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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