Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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