I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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