just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just want nice things and good sex
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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