All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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