Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
