Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
