I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We have started to decorate penises.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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