I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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