my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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