i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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