Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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