drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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