When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
