What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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