Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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