Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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