i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
