I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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