My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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