dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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