I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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