I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You are the jesus of drinking
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
